Thee Bakinge of thee Cakke

Written by Anakin McFly

This was written after someone on IMDb said of Keanu: "if you sat down his characters from Speed, Devil's advocate, Constantine, Matrix, Johnny Mnemonic, replacements, Chain reaction, little budda, point break, around a table.. in identic clothes and asked them to discuss a baking recipe, I promise you only a handfull of people would be able to tell which was which."

Dramatis Personae: Jack Traven + Kevin Lomax + John Constantine + Neo + Johnny Mnemonic + Shane Falco + Eddie Kasalivich + SIDDHARTHA + Johnny Utah

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Jack: We have to do what?
Neo: ...wear identical clothes and discuss a baking recipe.
Eddie: *looks* It says 'identic'.
Neo: um.
Shane: Well, if we have to do it, then-
Utah: Why do we have to do it? It's stupid, it doesn't even make any sense-
Jack: Yeah. Can we just leave?
JM: They locked the door.
Connie: *smokes*
Eddie: *shrugs*
Sid: *meditates*
Identic Clothes: *lie neatly on a shelf in stacks of shirts and jeans*

Kevin: Where's the baking recipe?
Neo: uh...

Neo re-opens the envelope and pulls out another sheet of paper. "For thee Bakinge of thee Cakke," it says in bold lettering along the top. He hands it to Kevin. Eddie peers over his shoulder to read it.

Connie: *smokes*

"THREE," a loud, disembodied voice suddenly booms out from a speaker on the ceiling. Sid is shocked out of his meditation and stands around looking disoriented and orange.

"TWO," the voice continues.

Jack: What-

"ONE."

Shane: I think we should-

"GO!" A loud horn blast sounds through the speakers. Sid claps his hands over his ears; but then there is silence, and bright red numbers appear on the screen above the door, counting steadily down from half an hour.

Utah: ...They're counting down.
Connie: good observation.
Utah: What happens when it reaches zero?

Shane throws identic clothes at him. "Just put that on before it's too late."

Connie: *smokes*
JM: Is this some kind of competition?
Eddie: Looks like it. It says 'Round #42' on top of the instruction sheet.
Shane: What about the other 41 rounds?

"SHUT UP AND GET DOWN TO IT," says the mysterious disembodied voice.

"HEY!" Utah yells. "Who are you?"

"YOUR MOM."

Connie: ...

"YOU HAVE TWENTY-NINE MINUTES AND THIRTY-FIVE SECONDS."

"What happens when the time's up?" Jack shouts at the speakers.

"EITHER YOU HAVE SUFFICIENTLY DISCUSSED THEE BAKINGE OF THEE CAKKE, OR YOU HAVE NOT. PUT ON THE INDENTIC CLOTHES AND START THAT DISCUSSION."

Connie: ...

Shane: ...Right. You heard the voice. Let's go!

Shane throws more identic clothes at people. Some of them miss, such as those thrown at Connie, because John Constantine does not catch things when he does not want to.

Two curtains stretched across two corners of the room serve as changing rooms. Neo heads for one; Kevin heads for the other; Utah randomly strips and puts on the identic clothes, making angry noises under his breath.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Finally all clad in the identic clothes, they sit around the table and look with varying degrees of enthusiasm at the baking recipe placed at its centre. Connie sits at the edge of the group, looking annoyed at having been forced to stub out his cigarette after Kevin pointed out the large 'NO SMOKING IF YOU WISH NOT TO GET DISQUALIFIED AND COOKED' sign hanging on a wall. Utah fitfully rocks his chair to and fro.

Shane: Okay. Discuss the recipe.
Eddie: How are we supposed to do that, exactly? Do we just read off the list and comment on it, or are we supposed to talk about how we could change it?
Neo: The instruction sheet just says to discuss it.
Jack: ...What are they up to? Locking us in here and making us talk about a recipe?

JM: This is a baking recipe for a cake. Ingredients include two cups of self-raising flour...
Utah: Oh, for cryin' out loud-
Eddie: 185 grams of softened butter.
Shane: I'm not sure if this qualifies as discussing the recipe.
Utah: Right, so what're we supposed to talk about? Our opinions on self-raising flour?
Eddie: Some people think it's cheating, because it's not natural flour; they say you should use baking soda instead.
Neo: *looks at recipe, his thoughts elsewhere*
Shane: Okay, and the butter?
Connie: i'll soften it if it's too hard. i just need a cat.
Sid: *meditates*
JM: 1 cup castor sugar...
Jack: This is insane.

"OFFICER TRAVEN, STOP QUESTIONING THE TASK OR WE SHALL SEND GRIFFIN IN TO JOIN YOU."

Jack pales slightly and shuts up.

Neo: The others are around?

"THEY ARE IN THE NEXT ROOM, LEARNING THE FINE ART OF TABLE-SETTING AND FLOWER-ARRANGING."

Jack hides a grin.

JM: Three large eggs.
Shane: Eggs... eggs come from chickens.
Kevin: Or chickens from eggs.
Eddie: Then where'd that egg come from?
Connie: my breakfast.
Neo: What about the sugar?
Utah: I hate this place.

Sid: *slowly approaches nirvana*

JM: One-quarter cup of milk...
Connie: And that comes from cows.
Eddie: Now I'm hungry. Will we get to eat the cake?
Neo: It doesn't say... Wait.

At the bottom of the recipe is a short F.A.Q.:
Q: Will we get to eat the cake?
A: The cake is a lie.

Neo: The cake is a lie.
Utah: Great.
Jack: What other ingredients are there?
JM: One teaspoon of vanilla essence.
Jack: What's vanilla essence?
Connie: essence of vanilla.

Shane: So that's the ingredients. Baking method: Preheat oven to 180 degrees Celsius.
Eddie: What's that in Fahrenheit?
Shane: I don't know.
Utah: Why'd they give us a British recipe?
Eddie: Britain's not the only country that uses Celsius as a measurement of temperature.

JM: 22 minutes, guys.
Eddie: Do we have to finish the cake by the end of it, or is it just the discussion?
Jack: There aren't any ingredients around. It's probably just the discussion.
Neo: Yeah. The cake is a lie.
Utah: Hey, Kev... when this is over, can you sue 'em?
Kevin: You need a reason for it.
Utah: We're being forced to sit here and talk about cake. Isn't that a reason?
Kevin: Legally, I don't think so.
Utah: The law sucks.
Kevin: You're a cop.
Utah: FBI AGENT!

Shane: Hey, can we please get back to the recipe?
JM: Grease a cake tin.
Eddie: Is this with the 185 grams of softened butter?
JM: It doesn't say.
Jack: If we're not making the cake it doesn't matter anyway.
Neo: Yeah.

Connie surreptitiously takes a cigarette out of where he smuggled it into a pocket of his identic clothes-

"DROP THAT, MR. CONSTANTINE."

He glares at the speaker and puts the cigarette back.

Sid: *ENLIGHTENMENT*
Everyone else: *doesn't notice*

JM: They're watching us. Why?
Eddie: Some people like leather, some people like feet, some people like watching other people discuss baking recipes.
Neo: *sinks a little lower in his seat in futile attempts to hide*

Kevin: In a large bowl, beat the butter, sugar and vanilla together with an electric mixer until light and creamy.
Jack: So vanilla and vanilla essence are the same thing.
JM: Maybe vanilla essence is more vanilla.
Eddie: Vanilla is a kind of orchid. Vanilla essence comes from its pods.
Neo: pods.
Kevin: Add the eggs one at a time and beat well after each addition.
Utah: Poor eggs.
Connie: poor chickens.

Sid: *STILL ENLIGHTENED*
Everyone else: *doesn't notice*

JM: Sift the flour over the mixture alternately with the milk, adding a third at a time. Stir in lightly.
Utah: What happens if you stir in hardly?
Connie: the universe implodes and we all die.
Eddie: 19 minutes.
Shane: What's the next line?
JM: Spoon batter into prepared tin and bake for 50-60 minutes or until a skewer pulls clean from the middle of the cake.
Neo: there is no spoon.
Eddie: But there's no cake either.
Utah: Why don't we get the cake? I want the cake.
Connie: getting the cake would remove the inherent nihilism of this task.

Kevin: It looks like we'll finish ahead of time.
Jack: What's left?
Kevin: Cool cake in tin for a few minutes before turning out onto a wire rack.
Utah: So we're done, now what?
Kevin: No, there's more. Cake can be iced or dusted with icing sugar if desired... Tastes delicious with a simple butter icing. That's it.

Eddie: Now I'm really hungry.
JM: We're done?
Shane: Do you have anything to add to the discussion?
Connie: i hate cake.
Shane: You've got nothing to worry about, then. Anyone else?
Jack: When can we get out?
Eddie: We've still got 18 minutes to go.
Utah: How can anyone spend half an hour talking about cake?
Shane: Bakers probably could.
Utah: If this was Keanu's idea, I'm gonna give him a taste of his own medicine.
Jack: What're you gonna do, lock him in a room and force him to talk about cake?
Utah: Yeah. In identic clothes. Why are we wearing these things anyway? If they were trying to evoke some kind of identity crisis they're kind of too late.

Johnny Utah gets off his chair and hollers in the direction of the speaker: "HEY! We're done! Can we go now?"

"SEVENTEEN MINUTES AND THIRTY-SEVEN SECONDS."

"Yeah, but we're done!"

"THEE BAKINGE OF THEE CAKKE IS A DELICATE MATTER THAT REQUIRES THOUGHTFUL, CONTEMPLATIVE DISCUSSION. IT IS NOT SUGGESTED THAT YOU RUSH THROUGH IT LIKE YOU PHILISTINES HAVE JUST DONE."

Utah shakes his head and gets back in his chair.

Utah: Right, let's talk about the things we shall do to Keanu for indirectly getting us in this situation. Number 1: The next time we meet up at Alex's place, we throw him into the lake. Number 2:

Connie: disembowelment.
Jack: Too drastic.
Utah: Yeah, we should keep him alive. We can't get revenge if he's dead. Number 2-
Eddie: Can't we just leave him alone?
Utah: Do you like being in this room?
Eddie: No...
Utah: If it weren't for him, we wouldn't be here. Number 2: We give John a cat, and make him give Keanu an experience he'll never forget. Number 3-
Neo: How much time have you spent thinking this up?
JM: I hear him talking in his sleep every night.
Utah: I don't talk in my sleep.
Eddie: Yes you do. Keep it up and we'll roll you off your bunk.
Utah: ...

Sid: *HAS FOUNDED BUDDHISM FOR SOME TIME*
Everyone else: *doesn't notice*

Jack: Griffin and flower-arranging.

Jack smiles.

Shane: So I guess we just sit here until the seventeen minutes are up.
Utah: This is a waste of time.
Eddie: What else do you have to do?
Utah: Anything would be better than this.
Connie: i wouldn't say that if i were you.
Utah: Is that a threat?
Connie: *smirks*

Neo looks in the direction of one of the curtain changing rooms.

Neo: Do we still have to wear this?
Eddie: We're not discussing the recipe anymore, so I guess not.
Neo: ok.
Neo gets up and heads towards the shelf where his own clothes are.

Jack: Identity crisis?
Neo: No, this shirt itches.

Neo grabs his original clothes and disappears behind one of the curtains.

Kevin: It would be nice if they could tell us what all this was for.
Eddie: Yeah. Though I wouldn't say no to the cake either.

Silence of boredom.

Utah: Whose idea was this meet-up, anyway?
Shane: Jjaks told me about it. I don't know who told him.
Jack: Perry and Klaatu organised it. I helped them spread the news.
Connie: ...
Kevin: Well that explains a lot.
JM: Like why this feels like some alien sociological experiment?
Kevin: Yeah.
Jack: Hang on... The voice from the speaker – was that one of us?

Silence.

Eddie: Come to think of it-
Utah: See, that's what happens when we spend too much time together. That kind of thing actually starts to seem normal.
Shane: There was an accent. But other than that...

Neo emerges from behind the curtain clad in his own clothes. He drapes the identic clothes over his chair and sits back down to join the others.

Shane: Hey, Neo, did that voice from the speaker sound familiar to you?

Neo thinks.

Neo: I don't know. Why?

Eddie: We need to spend more time in heterogeneous society.
JM: Fifteen minutes.

"YOUR TEN, FIFTEEN MINUTES OF PATHETIC DISCUSSION... YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF IT. THEE BAKINGE OF THEE CAKKE IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY! INSTEAD YOU DISSOLVE INTO THIS IDLE CHATTER..."

A sigh, then the voice stops.

Jack: ...Definitely one of us.
Shane: That was a French accent.
Neo: But none of us have...

He breaks off as realisation suddenly dawns. Neo swears under his breath.

Eddie: What?
Neo: The cake. Who else would want us to spend half an hour discussing a recipe?
Kevin: Who?
Neo: I don't know how they got hold of him... he's not even been...
Shane: Who?

Neo pushes back his chair, looks up at the speaker hanging on the ceiling, and shouts.

Neo: ADAM JONES! I KNOW IT'S YOU!

Silence.

Eddie: Who?

"VERY CLEVER, MR. ANDERSON."

Neo: Is this your idea of fun? Forcing us to discuss baking recipes?

Silence.

Neo: Hello?

More silence.

Connie: *takes out a cigarette*

Then they hear a key turn in the lock, and the door opens to reveal Adam Jones standing there with a scraggly beard and disgruntled look on his face. He folds his arms and regards them from beneath a lopsided chef's hat.

Adam: Evidently you do not grasp the fine art of culinary discussion. Talking about eating the cake... pah! The joy is not in the eating, but in the construction of the perfect-
Neo: How did they find you.
Adam: Your alien friend has his ways.
Utah: Uh, and who are you?
Neo: His name's Adam Jones. From a future Keanu film.
JM: wow.
Adam: This whole set-up was partly Mr. Reeves' idea-
Utah: I KNEW IT!
Adam: ...Apparently he thought it would be amusing to watch.

Utah jumps out of his chair.

Utah: Someone tell Alex we're dropping by. That lake's gonna see some major action.
Jack: I'm with you.
Kevin: Me too.
Connie: *smokes*

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