The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Poem

Written by Anakin McFly

Far out in the vast uncharted reaches of deep space,
There lived a group of curious creatures called the human race.
The Guide declares them harmless, mostly; them you need not fear
(they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.)

These beings make their home on a planet called the 'Earth'
An uncreative name indeed, for something of its worth.
Many of these humans hold the glaring misconception
That in terms of intellect, they are the ruling faction;
On Earth, at least. But unbeknownst to them, this isn't so:
The dolphins and the mice beat them to it eons ago.

The dolphins were, for one, aware that Earth's demise drew nigh
So left for space one day and bid all humankind goodbye.
They rose without a sound one night. There was no splash nor splish.
Their final message read: "So long, and thanks for all the fish".

Well, that's the dolphins settled. Now we move to Arthur Dent,
A rather ordinary guy, as far as humans went.
He woke one morning, feeling dazed, and caught a glimpse of yellow
Which puzzled him: for Arthur Dent was not too bright a fellow.
"Yellow," Arthur thought, then went away to make some tea:
A source of constant comfort, for of British blood was he.

Outside was Mr. Prosser, direct descendant of Genghis Khan
Who wanted to knock down Arthur's house. What a pity. Darn.
He needed to build a bypass. Arthur's home was in the way.
It looked as though some bulldozing had to be done that day.

This made poor Arthur mad. He went to lie down in the mud,
To block the dozer's path. If he got squished, there would be blud.
While the bulldozer itself would be damaged none at all,
As Prosser calmly stated. But Arthur Dent still had the gall
To keep on lying there; he was fully prepared to wait
Until they left, and if they did not, to share his poor home's fate.

Meanwhile, Arthur had a friend. His name was Ford Prefect,
Supposedly from Guildford, but who really was, in fact,
An alien from a planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse Six:
His vanquished childhood home, where he'd gone by the name of Ix.
Like the dolphins, Prefect knew of Earth's coming destruction
It needed to be blown up to make way for the construction
Of an interstellar bypass by the alien Vogon race
To cut down on the time it took to move from place to place.

Morning slowly turned to lunch and things had settled down
'Twas Arthur's role to squelch as he lay on the muddy ground
Demanding every now and then for some strange thing or other
Such as for a good book or his lawyer or his mother.

'Twas Prosser's role meantime to lecture Arthur on the good
Of building a new bypass, and therefore why he should
Get off the ground, and get a life, and bid his house goodbye
Wait for the bypass to be built, then watch the cars pass by.

Just about then, Ford came by and stared down at his friend.
"Hello, Arthur. Busy? 'Cause the world's about to end."
"No, not really," Arthur said, voice dripping with sarcasm
He gave a squelch down in the mud and this line doesn't rhyme.
"There's just all these bulldozers and stuff that I've got to block
"For if I move, ol' Prosser here would then proceed to knock
"My house down. So yes, I'm quite free, why do you want to know?"
Prefect remained unperturbed. "Because we've got to go."

"Where?" "To the pub." "Whatever for?" "The world's about to end."
The logic there, poor Arthur Dent could just not comprehend.
The pub was where you purchased drinks, most likely alcohol
He couldn't see how being drunk would help the world at all.

Ford and Prosser struck a deal, one based on messed up sense:
Since Prosser wanted Arthur gone, Ford would help dispense
His friend off to the pub, and in return Prosser would lie
Down in the mud in Arthur's place, and watch the clouds float by.

The pub was where Ford then revealed the truth of his existence.
Arthur Dent accepted it with marvellous low resistance
Learning that his best friend was an alien from Out There
Just did not affect him much, and all he did was stare.
It had to be a Thursday, Arthur reasoned in his mind
He'd never got the hang of 'em. But Arthur was to find
His day about to get a whole lot stranger very soon
Thus making this a seriously peculiar afternoon.

A crashing sound approached the pub, and Arthur got a fright
Glancing out the window, he sensed something was not right.
"What was that?" "Your house, I guess," said Ford with extreme calm
The words sank in, and Arthur whacked his forehead with his palm.
"Ford, what am I doing here?" "You're drinking beer." "I see."
Dent ran out of the pub's front door, hands waving frantic'ly.

Ford bought some peanuts.
Then he went after his friend.
Hitchhiker's haiku.

Dent stumbled madly through the grass, up to the hill where lay
Remains of Arthur's house, which had been bulldozed down that day.
"PROSSER!" Arthur yelled, "I swear I'll murder you for this!
"And chop you into tiny bits and dunk them in my piss!
"And all the rest of you as well! I'll... hit you... very hard...
"And dice you into little cubes and JUMP on them! ...Oh, crud."

A shadow fell, and it could not quite get back up again
Thus darkening the landscape of that peaceful English plain
"What the -beep- is that?" he hollered, pointing at the sky
Staring at huge yellow things that screamed real loudly by.

Around the world the people ran about the place in panic
Dashing into homes and out again with motions frantic
Screaming at the sky and at the ground and at the air
Then running off real fast to do it all again elsewhere.

Their actions, though, were pointless, for they wouldn't help one bit
There's no escaping mankind's fate when Planet Earth gets hit
By the ruthless force of bulldozers, sent down from outer space
And it's really sad, the way I keep on rhyming 'space' with 'race'.

#