So Long, and Thanks for All the Phish

(Authors' Note: We know that the Internet and e-mail didn't exist as of the time of the first book, but for the sake of this fic, just imagine it did.)

Chapter One

From – admin@tealovers.org
To – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
Subject: Welcome to TeaLovers.Org!

Dear Honoured Member,

We are pleased to inform you that your registration at our society has been a success. To access your account at our website, just enter the following into the login box:

User ID: arthurpdent
Password: tnedpruhtra

Welcome to TeaLovers.Org! We hope for your active participation in future as we try to help you further develop your love for tea, and to socialise and interact with others that share a similar appreciation for this wonderful concoction: tea.

- Admin
TeaLovers.Org

----

My dearest Arthur, my best friend, my greatest pal in times of need who will never desert me,

Got cash? I'm in a spot of financial difficulty at present, and would greatly appreciate your kind and generous donation to the Save Ford Prefect Fund (SFPF).

Thank you.

Your very, very, very best friend,
Ford Prefect

P.S. A meal would be nice.
P.P.S. And a place to stay.
P.P.P.S. I am currently residing in an open cardboard box, so an umbrella might also come in useful if it rains.

----

Mr. Prefect,

We regret to inform you that you have outstanding transactions at our library. The books being:

1) Dinner Saucers and Other UFOs
2) Close Encounters of the Alien Kind
3) I Believe
4) We Are Not Alone
5) Unraveling the Mysteries of the Universe
6) Unsolved Mysteries of the Other Kind
7) Space Cookies and Other Childrens' Delights

We would highly appreciate it if you return the books as soon as possible. A fine of 46.92 pounds has been imposed, and the longer you take, the more you have to pay.

This is our third and final warning. Please clear your fine or face legal consequences.

Yours sincerely,
Library42 Admin

----

Dear Ford,

I am really, really glad to hear that you are once more earning your keep by being a shameless cad.

Just this once.

Remember the bar outside my house? Meet me there tomorrow at seven in the evening.

Yours in annoyance,
Arthur

P.S. I have an old umbrella to spare. You can have it if you want, if you don't mind dotted purple stripes on a neon green background.

----

Dear Customer,

Thank you for your insightful feedback! We appreciate your interest in helping us serve you better.

Sincerely,
The Ford Motor Company

----

SO WHERE'S THE MONEY?

Angrily,
Ford Prefect (who feels cheated and betrayed)

----

Dearest Arthur,

I've always know you'd never let me down. I am eternally in debt to you and your kin.

I think.

I'll be at the pub at seven to meet you. I love that place. It has great beer.

- Ford

P.S. I don't mind dotted purple stripes on neon green.

----

Dear Customer,

Thank you for your insightful feedback! We appreciate your interest in helping us serve you better.

Sincerely,
The Ford Motor Company

----

From – default@allyouneedisbeer.com
To – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
Subject: HEY BUDDY!!

ARTHUR!!!!!!!!11

I thnk of stuf especialy when I think of stff such as nudity! Nudiity is goodfor stiff back in ned of loosentng up becuse it loosens up backs with sooup. I like to drink suop and soapy spionges in winter. And beer.

ARTHUR!!!!!!!!111 YOU MY BUDDY FOREVER!!!!!11

afdls;fasdjlk

FODD

----

From – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
To – default@allyouneedisbeer.com
Subject: Re: HEY BUDDY!!

Dear FODD,

Have you been at the beer barrel again?

It just makes me wonder... How in the world did you get the money?!

I don't know why I put up with you.

- Arthur

----

From – default@allyouneedisbeer.com
To – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: HEY BUDDY!!

Huh?

----

From – default@allyouneedisbeer.com
To – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
Subject: Re: Re: HEY BUDDY!!

Not huh. I need more money. Please? You won't deny your best friend some money to pay his library fines, would you? Would you?

- Ford

----

From – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
To – default@allyouneedisbeer.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: HEY BUDDY!!

JUST THIS ONCE. Only because I know what your library fines are like. But you're not buying any more beer with the cash. Meet me at the Alcoholics Anonymouse building near my house.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

- Arthur

----

Dear Mr. Your Name Here,

We are pleased to inform you that your subscription has been a success. To access your online account at our website, www.wearenotalone.com, your details are as following:

User ID: getmeoff
Password: thisblastedplanet

We hope you will participate actively in our forums and share any information of the alien kind you have with others who believe that we are not alone in this universe. Attached is your first issue of the SpaceWatch online newsletter, this month's highlight being Mr. Woncester of Kidneypool's fourth encounter with the little green men. We hope you will be able to strengthen your belief through his story.

Mr. Thereis
Webmaster
www.wearenotalone.com

####

SPACEWATCH: Keeping an eye on the skies
A newletter by wearenotalone.com
Volume 4, Issue 2

####

THEY'RE BACK!

You all probably remember Matthew Woncester and his previous three encounters with little green men. The first time, they robbed him of his entire toilet roll collection. The second time, they fried his pet ant, Lucy, with their ray guns. The third time, they adjusted his television set to only show reruns of the local soap drama, 'Why the Sod Me?'.

Now, they're back again, Mr. Woncester claims.

"They set a whole lot of lizards loose in my house!" Woncester was reported as saying over the telephone. "These few days, I can't go anywhere without a lizard landing on my head. It's horrible, I tell you! Absolutely horrible! What the sod do these aliens have against me?"

SpaceWatch visited Mr. Woncester's house to observe the paranormal going on, but our team unfortunately met their demise after being run over by several giant monitor lizards. A second team was sent in, where they found a whole lot of giant monitor lizards but no Mr. Woncester. Any information regarding his whereabouts would be appreciated.

####

CORRECTION

SpaceWatch is sorry to report that the giant humanoid alien nicknamed 'Fifi' that was featured in Volume 3, Issue 9 is in reality a fraud. It appears that we have found the Editor's longlost brother, abducted by aliens as reported in Volume 1, Issue 1 of SpaceWatch.

####

MY FLIP-FLOP IS AN ALIEN!

It is the same every first of April. One of Zoke Parker's flip-flops morphs into an alien lifeform, boards a dinner saucer, and escapes into outerspace to join the rest of its family for a week on the planet Narthien. The other flip-flop stays behind to keep her company.

Zoke had bought the flip-flops at an old, rundown shop, which does not seem to exist any more.

"They were cheap, and they looked good on me," Zoke explained. "I don't really mind that they are aliens, and it's kind of cool to have flip-flops that are alive. They really care about me, too. They're always good to me. I've had them for seven years, and we've become good friends."

SpaceWatch would like to wish Zoke and her flip-flops many more years of happy friendship, thus adding yet another example to the evidence that humans and aliens can get along.

####

Have a story of an alien encounter? Tell it to Spacewatch! Just e-mail us at spacewatch@wearenotalone.com, and you will see your story published in our next issue.

Chapter Two

From – fortunes.for.sale@mysticseers.org
To – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
Subject: Unveil the mysteries of your Future!

Greetings, Mortal.

Have you ever wondered about what lies ahead in the darkness of your life?

Have you ever felt uncertain and lost, not knowing where your life would lead?

Have you ever experienced the fear of this helplessness in the hands of Fate?

Be prepared for your future!

Prevent those tragedies! Avoid those disasters! Escape those troubles!

Reply now to conquer your future for the simple price of $46.92!

- mysticseers.org

----

From – default@allyouneedisbeer.com
To – admin@hotbabesunlimited.com
Subject: I WANT A REFUND, NOW!

To whoever runs this sodding company:

I assumed from your website, hotbabesunlimited.com, that by registering and wasting precious amounts of my money, I would be receiving several pictures of scantily clad hot women. I repeat, women. I did not, however, expect to be sent a picture of several toddlers sweating in the sun.

I want a refund.

- Ford.

----

From – admin@thecoffeerules.com
To – everyone@tealovers.org
Subject: Break your addiction!

Tea.

Think about it. Just one word. T-E-A. How boring is that? And the drink itself – bland, watery, basically not nice.

Then, think about coffee. C-O-F-F-E-E. You are walking along the street one cool day when the rich aroma of brewing coffee wafts gently past your nose. Breathe it in... ah, refreshing, isn't it? Imagine holding a nice, hot mug of coffee in your hands one cold winter's day. You put the mug to your lips and the warm, creamy beverage flows into your mouth. Close your eyes and savour the sweetness on your tongue. Ahh...

Why tea, then? Why, why do you consume it? Why bother to make a cup of tea? Why keep drinking? Do you believe you're drinking for something, for more than what you absolutely need? Can you tell us what it is, do you even know? Is it taste or thirst, perhaps sophistication – could it be for love? Illusions, tea lovers, vagaries of perception. Why, tea lovers, why, why do you persist?

We here at TheCoffeeRules.com think that there can be only one reason why you people continue to guzzle this tasteless liquid day after day.

It's called addiction. A-D-D-I-C-T-I-O-N.

Addiction is bad. B-A-D.

Break the tea habit.

Drink coffee.

- Brought to you by TheCoffeeRules.com

----

From – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
To – fortunes.for.sale@mysticseers.org
Subject: Frauds!

This is the fifth (and hopefully last) time I have received this message. I would certainly never ever fall for this divination crap, so I wish you would stop clogging up my mail.

----

The following e-mail was contributed by HyperCaz:

----

From – smithm@crc.com
To – default@allyouneedisbeer.com
Subject: fish business idea

Mr Prefect,

Unfortunately, the species of fish "Babel" does not exist in our research files. If you do manage to prove that such a fish exists, we would be happy to go into business with you.

- Martin Smith
Croydon Research Centre

----

From – fortunes.for.sale@mysticseers.org
To – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
Subject: A warning to all Skeptics

Greetings Mortal,

We have received your rather indignant message of ignorance and have thus included a special free trial to open your blind eyes to the power of the Future.

Open your narrow mind to the wonders of the mystic and you shall not regret it.

A harrowing scene before my eyes -
Deathrays streaking from the skies;
Fragments of land and earth and sea
Spinning across the galaxy.

Ears full of fish, a tiny book,
Poetry – I can't bear to look!
Panic in the dark and cold,
Salvation comes from hearts of gold.

What's this I see? A flash of light;
I sense a mid-galatic fight!
A whale – a pot of flowers too,
Who feel a bit of deja vu.

Underground tunnels, a butler sulks,
And sulks, and sulks, and sulks, and sulks.
Land, earth and sea have merged again
But now! the mice! they want your brain!

Two and four, four and two;
Six and nine make forty-two?
Sorry, kid, your life looks tough,
Or maybe you're a SciFi buff.

- mysticseers.org

----

From – admin@hotbabesunlimited.com
To – default@allyouneedisbeer.com
Subject: Re: I WANT A REFUND, NOW!

Dear Mr. Type Your Surname Here,

Our website offered you pictures of hot babes, and that was what you got. What you assumed is none of our business.

Thank you.

- Admin, HotBabesUnlimited.com

----

From – admin@tealovers.org
To – everyone@tealovers.com
Cc – admin@thecoffeerules.com
Subject: The Folly of Coffee

Dear members,

It has come to our attention that a certain defamatory message is being illegally spread throughout our eminent mailinglist. We are not worried and believe all our members to be firm in their devotion to the heavenly delight of Tea and that they will be, by no means, moved by such preposterous nonsense.

Rest assured that immediate legal actions will be taken against the prepetrators of this slander against our beloved beverage. In the meantime, let us refresh your love for the glorious drink that is tea through our summer catalogue: EterniTea -- Featuring a new selection of Fruit and Herbal concoctions.

Should you at any times be moved to stray from this love, please remember that Tea is the mild drink of sensitive souls and Coffee, the producer of hyperactive threats to the society.

Sincerely,

Admin@tealovers.org

----

From – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
To – fortunes.for.sale@mysticseers.org
Subject: Leave me alone

You expect me to believe that nonsense? What do you take me for? An American?

----

[a/n: No ill intentions meant to all lovely U.S. citizens out there]

----

From – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
To – default@allyouneedisbeer.com, coffee.is.evil@tealovers.org,
Subject: Re: Questionnaire

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? This.
FULL NAME: Arthur Philip Dent
WHAT'S UP, DUDE? The ceiling.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My Internet modem making humming sounds.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Zimbabwe. I was smuggled here on the back of a camel.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Cling wrap
WHO DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON? There was this girl I met once at a party in an Islington flat...
DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF? Not really.
YOUR GOOD FRIENDS: He occasionally refers to himself as 'FODD'.
WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? The floor
PERSONS IN YOUR FAMILY? My parents, most of my ancestors and sometimes, if the term 'persons' is loosely applied, my great uncle Jim.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE...
BEVERAGE? A nice, hot cup of tea.
SMELL? A nice, hot cup of tea.
HAVE YOU EVER...
DRANK? Yes. Water.
SMOKED? Yes. Salmon.
COME CLOSE TO DYING? From boredom. Yes. I was never very far from it.
DO YOU...
WET THE BED? !
COLLECT ANYTHING? Dust.
EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION $ ? If you kill it and roast it first.
KILL SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR 15 MILLION DOLLARS? Depends on what currency it is.
ANYONE OFFERED YOU A SMALL PART IN A MOVIE WOULD YOU ACCEPT? As long as it isn't some Star Wars alien that requires me sticking on 10 pounds of plasticine.

----

From – default@allyouneedisbeer.com
To – arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk, purplesleepingbags@hotmail.com, c.p.holden@bbc.co.uk, I12PonU@yahoo.com, bad.acting.is.entertaining@keanureevesfans.org, squashedtomatoes@vegetablesoup.com, thealiensarecoming@outerspacepeanuts.co.uk, toweltoweltowel@towels.com, ihaveanemailaccount@hotmail.com, sodiumhydride@nah.com, liquid.nitrogen.is.cool@allyouneedisbeer.com, mytowelsmellsofmushrooms@hotmail.com, dumbjoystick@yahoo.com, starwarsisnotdead@gmail.com, goneforlongwalkies@yahoo.com, bottleofsulphuricacid@sciexgonewrong.org
Subject: Re: Questionnaire

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?: Recovering from a hangover, so make it quick.
FULL NAME: To tell the truth, I can't remember. Just call me Ford.
WHAT'S UP, DUDE? Go away.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? These funny throbbing sounds in my head.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Somewhere. Out there.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Vogon poetry.
WHO DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON? Myself.
DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF? Not right now. My head hurts.
YOUR GOOD FRIENDS: This earthling named Arthur.
WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? Beer bottles, several cobwebs, the usual. Only it's not exactly a bed, more a cardboard box.
PERSONS IN YOUR FAMILY? Dead.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE...
BEVERAGE? Pan Galactic Gargleblaster
SMELL? My sense of smell seems to have temporarily deserted me. I think it's the beer's fault.
HAVE YOU EVER...
DRANK? Yes.
SMOKED? No.
COME CLOSE TO DYING? Yes.
DO YOU...
WET THE BED? You mean the cardboard box? Well, I spilt some beer on it last night. The thing's all drenched now.
COLLECT ANYTHING? Beer bottles. When I have a hundred of them, I'll arrange them on a wall and sing the beer bottle song with actions. Wait, I don't have a wall.
EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION $ ? Yeah, why not? Especially if they're roasted or pan-fried. Mmmm.
KILL SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR 15 MILLION DOLLARS?: Sure. Who will it be?
ANYONE OFFERED YOU A SMALL PART IN A MOVIE WOULD YOU ACCEPT? Of course.

----

From – admin@wearenotalone.net
To – default@allyouneedisbeer.com
Subject: SpaceWatch Newsletter
Attachment: SpaceWatch Issue #3

####

SPACEWATCH: Keeping an eye on the skies
A newsletter by wearenotalone.com
Volume 4, Issue 3

####

ALIENS IN THE CLOSETS!

You've all heard of the monsters that enjoy haunting the closets of poor little kids. There might have even been one in your own bedroom when you were a child. However, Ms Skye Walker, 7, has a new idea as to the identities of these nighttime monsters.

"I don't think they're monsters," she said to one of our reporters. "I think they're actually aliens from outer space who want to abduct us for their experiments. That's what my daddy told me. He said that when he was six, the aliens came out of his closet and carried him off to their spaceship. But he beat them all up and escaped."

SpaceWatch's attempts to warn the public have been, however, to no avail. We were for some reason denied access to international radio and television networks, and it will therefore have to be up to you, dear readers, to spread the news. The children of this world are in danger. The sooner the public are aware, the better.

####

PHOTOSYNTHESISING TURTLE NOT OF THIS EARTH!

"My turtle photosynthesises," reported Mr. Paul T. Nathan, proudly holding up the little green (and obviously alien) creature for all of us to see. "One day it went from green to not so green, and my friend said that it was because there was not enough sunlight."

Now, we all know that turtles naturally do not photosynthesise; at least, they don't on Earth. However, this turtle apparently does so, which could mean only one thing – it's an alien.

Photosynthesis requires chlorophyll to take place, a substance manufactured only in plants. The fact that a 'turtle' has the ability to photosynthesise would mean that it contains chlorophyll, and is, in fact, half-plant-half-turtle.

We at SpaceWatch would like to welcome Mr. Nathan's turtle to our planet, and hope it has a nice time here.

####

MYSTERIOUS METAL-THIEVING LINKED TO EXTRATERRESTRIALS?

It appears that some aliens living on Earth have taken to stealing pieces of metal from homes. Several incidents have been reported to SpaceWatch this year, and although some were found to be the work of magpies, there are still cases which remain unsolved.

Young Tommy Anderson, 5, told SpaceWatch about one such case that happened last week.

"I was eating my cereal in the kitchen with a spoon," he said. "Then I went out to answer the telephone, and when I got back, there was no spoon! My mummy said that I stole it to make my catapult, but I didn't. I found my catapult spoon in a bird nest."

As you can by no doubt see, this is a serious situation. The main questions here are: 1) What are these metal-thieving aliens planning to do with all that metal? Are they constructing powerful alien weapons of mass destruction? ; 2) How do the aliens manage to sneak into people's homes so easily and steal the metal without the residents knowing?

The answers are out there, somewhere. And it is our job here at SpaceWatch to try and find them as quickly as possible.

Chapter Three

From - default@allyouneedisbeer.com
To - jobapp@theprintingcompany.com
Subject: Application for paper cutter job

Dear Sir and/or/cum Madam:

As an experienced individual in the delicate and exquisite art of paper cutting, I am applying for your position as a paper cutter, as advertised on your website.

I am highly committed to producing service of excellent quality, giving you neat, straight cuts of paper. In all my history as a paper cutter with the Great Paper Company (GPC), I have not had a single accident, excluding the unavoidable paper cuts that results from a job well done and the incident in which the head editor brought his fingers a little too close to the paper cutter blade. (He has since recovered, and is now living happily in Islington with a wife, two children, and a sofa named Bob.)

In the last few years while I worked at the GPC, work speed increased by a whopping 30 due to the rapid rate at which I cut paper for the company. No longer did busy workers have to take time off urgent business in order to cut paper; I did it all for them. In recognition of my hard work, I was awarded the 'Paper Cutter of the Year Award' and promoted to Chief Paper Cutter within just two months.

However, I am leaving that company as I hope for ways to further enrich my skill, and to open my sights to new horizons and new experiences.

I am also adept at the skill of multi-tasking. While working as a paper cutter, I was also able to find the time to source for acting jobs at various theatres and movie studios. You may recognise me as 'Guy With Umbrella' in the award-winning drama, 'It's Raining Again, Sod It'.

I am anxious to talk to you and discuss my potential to contribute to your organisation. I plan to call you in three days or less, depending on when I can get hold of a telephone. You can reach me by e-mail at default@allyouneedisbeer.com.

Yours sincerely,
Ford Prefect.

----

From - mrsdent@desperatehousewives.com
To - arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
Subject: How's my little Arty-kins?

Hello, darling!

How have you been? The weather has been absolutely dreadful these past few days, all those howling winds and ominous skies! Be sure to always carry an umbrella with you when you go out, because you never know when it might start to pour. You wouldn't want to be caught out in the rain, would you? You might catch your death of cold!

Are you still going around with that nasty Ford Prefect? I never liked him, you know. The man drinks far too much for his own good. It makes one wonder how he affords it. And that hair colour is certainly not natural too. Does he even have a decent job yet? Or is he still lying around in the streets like some unshaven bum? Either way, you shouldn't mix around with him so much. You never know who he might turn out to be: a crook, some social reject or worse! I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. You can't trust him, Arthur dear. He claims he's from Guildford, but his accent is obviously American.

But don't worry too much about that, Arty-kins. Mummy's coming to see you in two days time, and she has some nice new clothes for you. I'm sure you'll love them, dear. And do wear the purple cashmere cardigan I brought over for you on my last visit. I think it would go splendidly with the orange bell-bottoms.

Love and kisses,
Mummy.

----

From - arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
To - mrsdent@desperatehousewives.com
Subject: I'm almost 30! Stop calling me Arty-kins!

Hi Mum,

How many times must I tell you to inform me at least a week in advance before coming over? My apartment is not some cheap motel you can just drop into on whim. Not that I do not welcome you or look forward to seeing you, of course.

Please stop buying me clothing from the last half century. I cannot even begin to fathom where you find such clothing in the first place, but if you insist on buying them, I suggest donating them to the cultural heritage centre on No. 4 Anecdote Way. They're looking to re-furnish with a disco fever theme.

And though Ford may tend to drink a tad too much on special occasions, he really is a good friend. He does have a job: If you look closely, you can see him playing second unidentified alien to the right in a battle scene in Return of the Jedi. He is now looking into taking up a decent, stable job and had even sent in his resume. His hair colour is natural and he even has the freckles to go with it. If that still does not convince you that Ford is just another harmless British bachelor with slight eccentricities, then I can only ask you to trust your son's tastes. I know Ford, mom, he's a nice person.

Love,
Arthur

P.S. I'm afraid you would not be seeing me in the suggested clothing ensemble. The cardigan has faded to an unfortunate pale blue after I accidentally dropped it into the Central Park pond and the pants suffered a rather violent meeting with my neighbour's Chihuahua.

----

From - mrsdent@desperatehousewives.com
To - arthur.dent@bbc.co.uk
Subject: You'll always be my baby, Arty-kins

Arty Sweetie,

I wanted the nice visit to be a surprise, but I know how antsy you get about having your 'private life' interrupted. I know you're all grown up and independent now, but surely you won't deny your dear mummy some time with her dearest, favourite little baby, would you?

Don't tell me you know Ford, darling. I knew your father too. Or at least I thought I did. Until that day I saw him at the McMillan Nightclub's annual drag queen contest. As Marilyn Monroe. And we all know how that relationship ended.

We can talk more about this once I arrive. Do bring out the lavender print tablecloth, I think I shall make Earl Grey Tea and bake some muffins for you. There's nothing like homemade tea after all that instant junk your generation has been taking to.

Fondest affections,
Mummy

----

From - jobapp@theprintingcompany.com
To - default@allyouneedisbeer.com
Subject: Re: Application for paper cutter job

Dear Mr/Ms/Mdm Ford Prefect,

Thank you very much for your application.

The Printing Company, Inc. is pleased to observe your enthusiasm in obtaining the glorious position of Paper Cutter in our company. Your resume is diverse and impressive (we are amused to watch your performance in 'It's Raining Again, Sod It', in which you were dropped into an open manhole), with the exception of the incident in which the head editor brought his fingers a little too close to the paper cutter blade.

However, the company is willing to overlook that mild mishap (as you were the only person to apply for the job) and employ you. Once again, thank you for your application, and we wish to congratulate you on your new job.

We would like to inform you that your contract begins with effect from the first working day of the next week.

Yours sincerely,
Adam S. Apple
Deputy Head Secretary-in-Charge
Paper Cutting Sub-Department
Employment Department
The Cupboard Under the Stairs
The Printing Company, Inc.

----

From - admin@wearenotalone.net
To - default@allyouneedisbeer.com
Subject: SpaceWatch Newsletter
Attachment: SpaceWatch Issue #4

----
SPACEWATCH: Keeping an eye on the skies
A newsletter by wearenotalone.com
Volume 4, Issue 4
----

ALIEN-INDUCED STOMACHACHE?

"I saw the little green men, like, enter my stomach! They came in, like, through my navel, and it started to, like, really hurt in there, like..."

Such are the words of a 16-year-old girl who has declined to be named. At press time, the mysterious stomachache still has not subsided and is, on the contrary, getting worse. What could the aliens want with a teenager's stomach?

"For all we know, this may be part of a new plan to eat humans where, ironically, they usually eat their food," said M.R. Hamil, spokesperson for SpaceWatch. "To the public, it seems nothing more than a stomachache... but then before you know it, the victim is dead, chewed out from the inside."

A horrifying way to die, indeed. But is there any way to protect yourself against these stomach aliens? We e-mailed several SpaceWatch readers to find out what your views were.

"You could try Panadol," suggested Elizabeth Wells of Kenley, Surrey. "Or some other kind of stomach medicine."

As for Michael A. Fawkes of Liverpool, he provided a slightly different take on the matter.

"What these stomach aliens are after is food," he wrote in saying. "That's why they head for your stomach. They feed off the food in there, and when the supply stops, they feed on you. So what you have to do is keep on eating, keep on feeding them. If they have enough to eat, they'll leave you alone. Think of them as extra gastric juices. And besides, these stomach aliens might actually turn out to be a blessing. Think about it. You could eat as much food as you want without getting fat, because these aliens will eat the food for you. I see them as a way to stop the problem of growing obesity."

So are these stomach aliens a blessing or a curse? Write in and tell us your views, and you may be featured in the next issue of SpaceWatch.

A DAY IN THE...

Last Thursday, a few thousand holes mysteriously appeared in Blackburn, Lancashire.

These holes, to the untrained amateur eyes of a passerby, were believed to be nothing more than potholes. However, trained and professional SpaceWatch investigators hurried to the scene, only to find that these enigmatic holes were, in fact, urban crop circles.

This is the first occurrence of urban crop circles in the world, and is therefore not to be taken lightly. This could be an indication of the heightened intentions of ethereal lifeforms to come into close contact with Earthlings.

Although the holes were rather small, SpaceWatch had to count them all – they numbered exactly four thousand. This number is significant as it has been calculated as the capacity of the Albert Hall when excessively full. Perhaps these otherworldly beings are expressing an interest in our Arts culture and wish to sample modern urban artistry.

NEW STAFF MEMBER HAS TALE TO TELL

We are pleased to announce the addition of T.C. Mapother to the SpaceWatch staff. An avid reader of SpaceWatch and one who has been in contact with the alien kind for several years, we are sure that he will prove a valuable asset to us. However, we are sad to report that some extraterrestrials seem to be against this decision of his.

"I was attacked," Mapother was reported saying. "Two nights ago, the aliens persuaded my sofa to jump on me when I was asleep. I woke up with a shock and found my Chesterfield sofa bouncing up and down my body, declaring its undying love for my pillow. It was a... disturbing experience. Especially since I can't tell why my sofa liked my pillow. I mean, my blanket is infinitely hotter. It's electric, you see."

Mapother has since placed a restraining order on his sofa, and is in the process of finding the aliens responsible for the fiasco.

We at SpaceWatch wish him luck, and are glad to report that the events of two days ago have not affected his decision to join us.

FLYING TRAIN SPOTTED BY POLICEMAN

"It was like... like an UFO!" exclaimed police officer Michael Gale, gesturing widely with his hands to show us just how massive his encounter was. According to him, he and a fellow policeman had been on duty searching for a missing teenager when this event occured.

"I was just minding my own business," Gale continued, "when all of a sudden there was this really huge noise in the sky, and this colourful flying train just appeared out of nowhere! It was crazy, I tell you!"

When queried on further events, Gale was unable to provide any further information as he had passed out on seeing the strange apparition. His fellow policeman, Robert Lee, had crawled under the police car for safety and likewise did not see anything more. We would like to urge the public to keep an eye out for any flying train and inform us on any further developments in this area.

INSULTING ALIEN CALLS ON UNSUSPECTING U.S. CITIZEN
By Grim Reaper

On June 31 of some year, a strange, silver spaceship reportedly landed on the front lawn of Ms. Keramo Dinana.

"This big, grayish-green alien just stepped out, trampling my hydrangeas," the shaken Idaho citizen reports. "He called me names! He called me a fat, ignorant, 'Vogon poet' (whatever that refers to) and he said that the 'Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal' (again, whatever that means) would run crying at the sight of my face!"

At this point, Ms. Dinana began sobbing into the arms of her husband, Liave Dinana. "She never found anyone who would believe her before," he said gratefully. "Thank you, SpaceWatch!"

ALIEN MESSAGES IN CALCULATOR

"It was really weird," said Nigel Shuter, 17, to SpaceWatch reporters yesterday. "I was taking my maths exam, when all of a sudden words started forming on my calculator screen! At first I thought that I had accidentally pressed the wrong buttons, but when it gave 'HI I AM AN ALIEN' as the square root of 1,764, I knew something was up."

According to Nigel, the aliens then proceeded to provide him with all the answers to his exam paper, earning him a perfect score for the first time in his life.

"It's not like I was cheating or anything," he said. "I couldn't help it. The answers kept showing up on the calculator, right in front of my face. I could have kept it away, but then I wouldn't have had a calculator to use for the rest of the paper."

However, Nigel's teacher, Rachel Geller, had a different point of view altogether.

"He cheated," she stated when questioned by SpaceWatch staff. "There's no point in him going on about all this 'alien' stuff. I personally found the answers to the exam scribbled down on a piece of paper that he stuck on the back of his calculator. He can say all he likes about the aliens doing it, but I for one don't believe him."

At this point, Nigel started crying and calling his teacher rude names. He seemed awfully sincere and convincing about everything he said, and SpaceWatch is thus inclined to believe him.

His mother, Kelly Shuter, also seemed to agree with this.

"Nigel's always been a good boy," she said through her tears. "He does his schoolwork every night, he studies for his exams, he's the President of the school's drama club... Last year his second cousin was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and it... it affected him a great deal. Then, for once, something good happens to him and he gets accused of cheating, of all things!"

SpaceWatch staff did our best to console her, but she waved aside our attempts.

"The only help you can give me is to prove my little boy is telling the truth," she said, sniffing into a handkerchief. "I read your newsletter all the time, so I know that you will do all you can to help."

MARRIAGES

We at SpaceWatch are glad to announce the union of two aliens, Bob and Ani. Having lived for several years on Earth posing as erasers, they finally revealed their true identities and were united yesterday. We wish them a happy life ahead.

To Be Continued...

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