1) Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

2) Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

3) At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your company had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his company's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff.

Here's three one-liners:

#1 43% of all statistics are worthless.
#2 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
#3 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.

Here's my contribution.

1) THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY...
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.
But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device.
One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis?
I offer a modest proposal:
We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

2) ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST:
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

3) SOMETHING NEO MIGHT AGREE WITH:
A doctor, a lawyer and a computer engineer were discussing the relative merits of wives and mistresses. The doctor said, "It would be better to have a wife than a mistress because it's a proven fact that married men live longer than unmarried men." The lawyer replied, "no, it would be better to have just a mistress. If you are married, you are likely to have a divorce that will wipe out everything you own." Then the computer engineer spoke: "I think it would be better to have both, because while the wife thought you were with the mistress and the mistress thought you are with the wife, you could go write some code."

Great idea to have a humour thread now that we're in the middle of a Kea-no-news period.

Here are #4-6 from a list of 539 one-liners that someone I know has meticulously collected. May take me a while to post all of them...

#4 A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
#5 A bad plan is better than no plan.
#6 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

1) STORY OF A WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However he accidentaly left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from realatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 8 November 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

2) BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR...

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Adviser advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

3) SOMETHING FOR JOHN CONSTANTINE TO THINK ABOUT IN HIS SPARE TIME

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.
But did you know that:
660 Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
/666 Beast Common Denominator
666^(-1) Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 Binary of the Beast
6, uh... Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 Area code of the Beast
00666 Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 Way of the Beast
666 F Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg Recommended Daily Allowance of Beast
6.66 % 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 Word Processor of the Beast
666i BMW of the Beast
668 Next-door neighbor of the Beast

Words Not Yet in the Dictionary

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold
a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking
fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from
(a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more
torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up
display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the
phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give
the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by
asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will
'remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in
the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at
the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

ELEVCELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the
more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
'illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to
come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETOPHOBIC (peh toe fo' bik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in
front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting
the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
six inches away.



My favourites are FRUST and CARPERPETUATION. As you can probably deduce from this, I'm no big fan of housecleaning.

The Programmer's Interpretation of Genesis:

IN THE BEGINNING
(To justify God's ways to the 21st century)

#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done!
:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth.
#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE
SIGN OFF.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
#And God saw he had zero funds remaining.

---

:Create fish.

---

...Huge mistake.

1) VIRUSES
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack--- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\\.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It'll be back.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

2) & 3) THE WORLD IS POPULATED BY MORONS

2) A friend of mine used to work in a computer store and one day they had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into...
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with...
Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round.]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\\DOS\\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this.]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. They thought that they had heard the last of this guy but NO . . . he calls back four hours later.]
Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new power supply. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost..
(Someone at Microsoft must have been thinking really fast....)

3) True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he could not stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

A man who won $15,200 on an airline scratchie will have his prize given to charity after he ate the ticket in protest.
Ryanair said the man ate the winning ticket after crew confirmed he had won the 10,000 Euro prize.
When the crew congratulated the winner and advised him how to claim his prize he apparently became upset they could not pay him in cash on the aircraft.
Now the prize is unclaimed the airline will offer the cash to charity.
The public can vote where the money goes from a list of charities including anger management programs and mental health organisations.
Ryanair's Stephen McNamara said the man's situation was unfortunate.
"Our latest winner felt that we should have his [prize] kicking around on the aircraft," he said.

and the cup holder thing... trust me, I've seen that happen in real life. Only the guy was using plastic cups :\\

---

The Genesis one is brilliant ! may I pass it on to an IT whiz?

---

Pass it on, pass it on! I think it's quite old, so the programming language is probably hopelessly outdated. But it's still hilarious. :-)

Here's a very useful, informative and humorous lesson in Norwegian:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkJf0md1kG8&feature=player_embedded

Priest joke - you've been warned!
1) PRIEST SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

2) HOW SHIT HAPPENS

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

3) REAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES - GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
* Farmer Bill Dies in House
* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
* Stud Tires Out
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* `84 War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies

My favorite is 'Eye Drops off Shelf.'

#7 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
#8 A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
#9 A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

1) 1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

"The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus.

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her -therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist.

"Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window."

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

2) KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

* The future of "I give" is "I take."
* The parts of speech are lungs and air.
* The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
* Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
* (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
* The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
* A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
* Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
* The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 oppossums.
* The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
* We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
* One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
* A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
* One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
* To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
* The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
* The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
* Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
* The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
* Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
* The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
* In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
* Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
* In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
* A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

3) A FUNNY INTRODUCTION TO CHINESE

Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
Dum Gai - A stupid person
Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia - Approach me
Lao Ze Sho - Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi - Not very good
Lin Ching - An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people
Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting - There is no reason to raise your voice

Are we the only people who are reading this thread?

Here's a long time favourite of mine:

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

* If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

* If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

* If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

* If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

* If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

* If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

* If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

* If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

* If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

* If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

* If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!

And I love the psychiatric hotline one. :D I've seen that before, though.

How to give your cat a pill: http://www.medi-smart.com/catpill.htm

Also can't find square brackets on this friggin' Mac I use at work, so you must copy and paste URL instead.

Edit: And here's another that I just had to add:

Funny quotes from actual medical records: http://www.medi-smart.com/medrecord.htm