You Are My Density

Written by Anakin McFly

Kirk stumbled, drunk, onto the bridge and fell to his knees before his First Officer.

"Spocccck," he drawled. "My density has brought me to you."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "I believe that is unlikely, Captain. Density is not a force capable of physical propulsion."

"...whatev," Kirk said. He grabbed Spock's leg and hugged it. ":)."

"Captain, I must protest. I cannot be expected to carry on with my duties with your hands around my leg."

"Leggggg," said Kirk with a huge, drunken smile. He snuggled it.

"This behaviour is unseemly for one in your position," Spock pointed out.

"Leg."

"Yes, Captain, that is indeed my leg you are holding, and if you don't mind, I would like to regain full use of it."

Kirk stroked his leg. "Nuh-uh," he said, and promptly passed out on the floor.

Spock tried to pull his leg away. It was not very effective.

"Vhoa!" exclaimed Chekov. "It's the Russian Dead Man's Grip!"

"Chekov, the Dead Man's Grip is not uniquely Russian," Uhura said in an educational sort of way.

"Yes," Spock agreed. "Furthermore, the Captain is neither Russian nor dead."

"Zat is true," Chekov admitted. "Zat is true."

"Security, please remove the Captain to his quarters."

"Would you and your leg like to join him, sir?"

"I thank you for the offer but I must decline."

"All right."

The security guy stole equipment from McCoy at the Medical Bay and surgically separated Kirk from his First Officer's leg. He dragged him off the Bridge and past Engineering for the lulz.

"GREAT SCOTT!" a suddenly-sober Kirk yelled as Scotty glanced at them.

"Aye, Captain, I am a Scot, and I'm honoured you think I'm great. But I think you're drunk."

"Nuh-uh," said Kirk, and passed out again, drooling slightly.

"...Very drunk," Scotty added.

"This is heavy," said the security guy.

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