How Keanu Came to Rule the World

Written by Anakin McFly

INT – 20TH CENTURY FOX SOUNDSTAGE 42 – DAY

Filming of the 'The Day the Earth Stood Still' is taking place. 
The director, SCOTT is busy directing, the actors are busy acting, 
the cameramen are busy shooting, and no one knows 
what the producers are doing.

PRODUCER #1 gives a satisfied nod.

PRODUCER #1: This is good coffee.

SCOTT: And... cut!  Great work everyone.  Let's break for lunch.

CATERING GUY PHIL cheerfully wheels in a trolley piled high with 
packets of food. His pet hamster, HAMSTER, runs energetically 
about the food packets.

KEANU stands in the middle of the soundstage. He has not moved
since SCOTT yelled cut; and as we move closer, we see a strange
flicker in his eyes.

SCOTT:  Uh, Keanu?  Lunch...

The other turns slowly to stare at him.

KLAATU: There is no Keanu here.

SCOTT: Right, like the spoon...

CATERING GUY PHIL cheerfully unpacks the food.  

KLAATU starts walking purposefully towards Scott, his gaze not 
leaving him.

SCOTT: ...

KLAATU: :|

SCOTT: o_o

KLAATU: *raises eyebrow*

SCOTT: ?

KLAATU: *raises eyebrow*

SCOTT: o_O

SCOTT suddenly starts making strange choking noises.  His hands 
fly to his neck.

SCOTT: gak!

CATERING GUY PHIL cheerfully steals a donut meant for the cast and crew.

SCOTT: *dead*

KLAATU looks satisfied.  He strides on forward.

CATERING GUY PHIL:  Hi Mr. Reeves!  Whoa, Scott's taking a nap, huh? Want a donut?

Without missing a beat, KLAATU plucks HAMSTER off the table and sticks 
him whole into his mouth.

KLAATU: :T

HAMSTER: *dead*

The lights flicker ominously as KLAATU continues his way 
through the soundstage, 20th Century Fox employees and
bits of furniture falling over as he walks past.

He exits the soundstage and emerges outside.  Storm clouds
gather on cue.   Lightning flashes. Thunder claps. But no rain 
falls, because although KLAATU may be a supremely intelligent
alien being, he could do without pneumonia.

KLAATU raises his face to the sky.

A crack of thunder.

All over the planet, PATHETIC EARTHLINGS grab at their throats 
and fall over.  

GEORGE WALTON LUCAS JR. has time to think that this is all 
kind of familiar to the way that Darth Vader Force-choked 
people to death, and wonders who would be the right person 
to sue, but then DEATH takes him too.

DEATH: (darkly) I'M NOT GETTING PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS.

The screams and last words of the PATHETIC EARTHLINGS
fill the air... and then, as quickly as it started, their screams 
die down into nothing.

We are left with KLAATU standing in the middle of 20th Century Fox,
the wind whipping his hair and the trees around him, and all 
around a deathly silence.

KLAATU lowers his head.  The vaguest hint of a creepy smile 
crosses his face. 

His eyes flicker.  And then he collapses onto the ground.

One second... two seconds... three seconds...

KEANU opens his eyes.  

Ground and bits of scraggly grass meet his fingers.  He looks up.  

KEANU: What...

He staggers to his feet, hand going to his head.  For some reason 
he has this really horrible headache.

And for some other reason there is the taste of dead hamster
in his mouth.  

He spits.  It is not very effective.

He stumbles back towards the soundstage and through the doors.  
The light bulbs have all blown; all the dead see is the rectangle 
of light framing the silhouette in the doorway.  The silhouette 
sees nothing.

KEANU: Hello? 

He picks his way into the room. 

He nearly trips over a dead body.

He does trip over a dead body, and landing on the ground finds 
himself face to face with the BLANK STARING EYEBALLS OF A 
DEAD PRODUCER.

KEANU: AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

THE END.

...And that was how Keanu Charles Reeves became the 
last surviving human on the planet.

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