Klaatu & Gort's Egregious Expedition
Written by Anakin McFly
An unrivalled remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still" By Ted Logan Scene 1 The scene opens with this totally shiny spaceship right in front of us. Inside it in the place where the pilot dudes sit are Klaatu and his bodacious robot pal Gort. KLAATU Whoa, dude! Check this out! It's a planet! Gort doesn't say anything because his voice system broke when he was in this really heinous robot fight back on his planet, but he still thinks that the planet looks most excellent. So they decide to land, because that's what aliens do. CUT TO: A space station on Earth! SPACE STATION DUDE #1 Whoa, dudes! Check this out! It's a UFO! SPACE STATION DUDES #2-#8 Excellent! SPACE STATION DUDE #2 Tell it to land, dude! SPACE STATION DUDE #3 Yeah! SPACE STATION DUDE #4 What if it's dangerous? That won't be good. SPACE STATION DUDE #1 I'll just call up the army dudes and tell them about it. They'll know what to do! He calls up the army dudes. SPACE STATION DUDE #1 Dudes! Guess what? There's a UFO coming in! ARMY DUDE Excellent! SPACE STATION DUDE #1 Though my most insightful colleague here suggests that its presence may pose a palpable danger to the safety of our planet. ARMY DUDE Bogus. SPACE STATION DUDE #1 But you're the army, dude! You've got guns and stuff! ARMY DUDE Oh yeah! SPACE STATION DUDE #1 If they try to kill us, you can blast them first! ARMY DUDE Excellent! They air guitar over the phone. Scene 2 Klaatu and Gort land their spaceship in a most spacious field. They get surrounded by the ever-vigilant army dudes, who all have bodacious-looking rifles pointed at their spaceship. Then the door opens and Klaatu strides most triumphantly out. KLAATU How's it going, Earthling dudes? ARMY DUDE They're not going to kill us! Excellent! He orders a 21-gun salute. However, due to an act of most unfortunate negligence, one of the rifles is still loaded and accidentally shoots Klaatu. The alien dude gasps and falls to the ground. Gort hears him and comes running out of the spaceship with a first-aid kit. KLAATU Gort, my friend, I think that this planet isn't mostly harmless. GORT No way, dude! (He repaired his voice system with the first-aid kit, see.) KLAATU Yes way. Gort is sad and angry, so he looks at the dude who accidentally shot Klaatu, and he aims his most outstandingdisentigratordissintegraterdisinttegratereye laser and makes all the army dudes' rifles disentigrate. And then I can't remember what happens next, but anyway the army dudes take Klaatu to the hospital and Gort is left outside their spaceship all alone and sad because his best friend is gone. Scene 3 Klaatu wakes up in this hospital, and random dudes come in to ask him questions. RANDOM DUDE #1 Dude, are you really an alien? KLAATU Yeah! RANDOM DUDE #1 Excellent! RANDOM DUDE #2 Where do you come from? KLAATU Another planet, dude! RANDOM DUDE #2 Whoa! KLAATU Its distance from Earth is most outstanding! RANDOM DUDE #2 Do you miss your home, dude? KLAATU Yeah. But I can go back soon! First I just need to talk to the most important dudes on the planet. RANDOM DUDE #1 You can't do that, dude. KLAATU Why not? RANDOM DUDE #2 Because the most important dudes on the planet don't like each other very much. KLAATU Bogus. He sighs and looks sad. KLAATU Then I'll have to destroy your planet. RANDOM DUDE #3 No way! KLAATU Yes way. RANDOM DUDE #1 This conversation has taken a most unprecedented turn! RANDOM DUDE #2 I concur, dude. Isn't there a way way for you not to destroy Earth? KLAATU Sure! Just let me talk to the most important dudes on the planet! RANDOM DUDE #2 Bogus. RANDOM DUDE #1 We'll try, dude. Maybe they'll be willing to put aside their differences and be excellent to each other again. RANDOM DUDE #3 Yeah. And then there'll be no more war or global warming. RANDOM DUDE #1 Yeah. Let's go, then. Catcha later, alien dude! They wave goodbye and leave. Klaatu waits, then he leaves too because hospitals are most egregiously boring. Scene 4 We see a newspaper with headlines that say, "ALIEN DUDE ESCAPED! PLANET IN TURMOIL! LOTS OF HEINOUS WAR AND GLOBAL WARMING STILL GOING ON!" Meanwhile Klaatu has found a nice family with a little dude named Bobby. BOBBY Did you hear about the alien dude that escaped? KLAATU Yeah! But I'm totally not him. BOBBY Then who are you? KLAATU I'm, uh, Darth Vader! Yeah! I'm an extraterrestrial from the planet Vulcan! BOBBY Whoa! Excellent! HELEN That is excellent! We've never had a Vulcan here before! KLAATU Bogus. I'll have to tell them to visit you more often! Scene 5 Klaatu and Bobby go around the town. KLAATU Have you heard of this scientist dude named Doctor Emmett Brown? I heard that he's trying to build a time machine. BOBBY Whoa! Gee, I'd like a time machine! I could go back in time and erase my mom from existence whenever she's mean to me! That'll teach her! But Klaatu doesn't agree because he thinks that Helen is the most beautiful babe he's ever seen, only that Bobby wouldn't think so too because she's his mom and that would be totally gross. So they find Doc Brown's house and go in, and on the blackboard are all these totally comlicated maths equations and stuff which Klaatu looks at. KLAATU Dude, some of those equations are most inaccurate. I think I'll change them! He gets a piece of chalk and edits the equations so that instead of a refrigerator, the time machine is now a DeLorean. But then the maid or someone comes in and she looks most upset at what Klaatu has done, because this means that they can't bring cold food for time travel journeys because it would all go bad in the DeLorean. KLAATU It is my humble advice that you should keep the changes there. I am sure that Doctor Brown would greatly appreciate it. Then they go out and Klaatu gives Bobby two diamonds in exchange for cash to buy a Slurpie, because his throat is most parched. Scene 6 It's late at night and Klaatu is depressed because he misses his best friend Gort, so he sneaks out of the house and goes to look for him, only he doesn't know that Helen saw him leave and followed him. KLAATU Gort! I totally missed you, dude! GORT Me too! They air guitar. Klaatu sighs. KLAATU I'm afraid that you might need to destroy this planet, dude. GORT Bogus. KLAATU Yeah. But they haven't sent the most important dudes to talk to me yet. GORT Maybe that's because you ran away and they can't find you. KLAATU Yeah. And then I can't remember what happens but anyway Helen finds him and they get into a taxi and start making out but then the army dudes find them and start shooting. KLAATU They're shooting at us! HELEN No way! KLAATU Yes way! HELEN Bogus. KLAATU This is a most egregious turn of events! If they kill me, Gort will be most upset and might destroy the planet! HELEN Bogus! KLAATU Okay, look, if I die, go to him quickly and make him stop! Just say, "Klaatu barada whoa". Got that? HELEN Klaatu... barada... whoa. KLAATU Yeah! Then he falls out of the car and gets shot. Scene 7 Gort is sitting by the spaceship looking totally depressed because he just saw his best friend die. He gets up to go destroy the planet, but Helen reaches him. HELEN Gort! Klaatu barada whoa! Gort doesn't quite hear her because his hearing system got damaged in that totally heinous fight he had when he was a little robot, and first-aid kits can't fix hearing because they only have plasters and ointment and stuff. So he just looks at her, and she gets scared because she doesn't know what a nice friendly dude Gort can be. But she tries again anyway. HELEN Klaatu barada whoa! This time Gort hears her! And then he grabs the first-aid kid and runs off to get his best friend. Helen watches him, and sees Gort carry Klaatu back into the ship. She follows them in, and then she sees Klaatu open his eyes and sit up! GORT Excellent! HELEN No way! KLAATU Yes way! They all air guitar. HELEN Dude, I thought you were dead! KLAATU Nah! I fell out of my suit when I fell out of the car! HELEN Excellent! They air guitar again. GORT Dude, I think the most important dudes on the planet are waiting outside! KLAATU Most outstanding! Let's go and talk to them! Scene 8 KLAATU Greetings, important Earthling dudes! Be excellent to each other, or my bodacious robot pal Gort will blow up your planet! PEOPLE Bogus. KLAATU Yeah! War and global warming are most unexcellent things! They're really bad, so you should all try to stop it! That's how it was on our planet, but when we let bad things like that happen, Gort and his other robot pals would kill us! PEOPLE Bogus. KLAATU Which is why we've all learnt to be excellent to each other if we want to survive. You should too! So we'll be coming back in a while to see how things are going, and if there's still war and global warming, we will have no choice but to destroy your planet. PEOPLE Bogus! KLAATU Catcha later, Earthling dudes! He and Gort wave. The people wave back. The alien and the robot get back into their spaceship, and then it rises into the air and flies off into space! THE END. Oh no, I left out the part about the earth standing still. Bogus. Neo says to stop scribbling away and leave now before they find us, and that I better not have had anything to do with Mr. Reeves' missing copy of the script. I don't see why they care, anyway. That script was totally bad and had all these big words that no one understands. I could give them my version instead. It's better. Neo says we have to go now or he'll leave me in here to rot, because he doesn't want to risk being caught with all the stuff he stole off the set to sell on e-Bay. That dude seriously needs to lighten up. - Ted Logan
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