Love Letters

Written by Anakin McFly

Nina... Nina, my dear, sweet Nina of the flaming red hair and sleek metal hand... come and bowl with me sometime. I have this great, great bowling range that I'm sure you will love as much as I love you. I will let you win if you want. Anything for you. I just need your lovely presence in my presence to comfort me. Someone has been spreading rumors about me, saying that I can't be trusted and that I'm evil and I know you will understand because they're always saying things like that about you and that massive company as well. You understand, don't you? Come spend some time with me. I'll have my balls ready. Take any you like, whatever you can manage with your hand in that condition. And we'll bowl together. Like lovers should. And if no one trusts me, then you will be all I have. We will be all each other has. Be with me, Nina Sharp. We're meant to be together. I can feel it. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Always waiting,
Sam Weiss

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Gene, I have no mouth but I must speak. The reason why I have no mouth is because I am a papaya, Gene. You may think I have a mouth, Gene, but in truth it is merely a line drawn on in marker or something like that. The truth is, Gene, I have something to tell you. Gene, in the short time I have known you, I think I have fallen in love. I know what you'll say, Gene: "but you're a papaya and I'm a cow," and believe me, Gene, I have thought long and hard about this and the many difficulties involved in any relationship we might pursue. But I sincerely believe, Gene, that true love transcends all, even species and the ability to move or think. And I can think, Gene. I can think, and my thoughts tell me that I love you, and that this love is real. I know that this might be hard to accept, Gene, and it's possible that you don't know that I can see you all the way back there in your stall, or that I can communicate telepathically like I'm doing now. But I can, Gene. I can. I loved what I saw. You are the cow of my dreams, Gene. No other cow can ever hope to compare. Please say you love me too. Please. Who cares what people think. Let them say we're crazy; what do they know, Gene? What?

My heart eagerly awaits your reply, Gene. I would say to take your time, but the truth is that I cannot wait too long and would appreciate a swift response. You need not be afraid of me, Gene, for I am the friendliest of fruits.

With lots of unrequited love that will hopefully be requited soon,
Mr. Papaya

P.S. Say something, Gene... say something. Please. I'm starting to feel funny. Something weird is happening to me...

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