This Sucks

Written by Anakin McFly

Prologue

Golden leaves crunched beneath the travellers' shoes as they walked from one world to the next, their strains of conversation carried softly on the wind-

"And now for your first lesson, my young protege. Tell me – if you could have anything you wanted, be anyone you wanted – what would you choose? Who would you want to be?"

"Anyone?" the young girl asked, her voice a sprightly contrast to the grave tones of the old man.

The latter's face creased into a smile that held just the slightest hint of menace. "Yes, Yanenn," he said. "Anyone."

"Okay, let's see..."

Her brows furrowed in concentration; then mischievous delight lit up the seven-year-old face. "A princess," she announced proudly. "A magical princess, who's really, really beautiful, the fairest in the land. With long, flowing hair that- oh!" She beamed. "That changes colour! Yeah! When she's angry, it turns red, and when she's sad, it's blue, and..." A pause, savouring the possibilities. "And everyone loves her, even when she's mean to them, because she's so beautiful. All the boys want to marry her. And she's also really smart. Smarter than everyone else. Yeah."

The old man continued smiling. "Anything else?"

The girl was on a roll now. "...And she can talk to animals! When no one else understands her-"

"I thought you said everyone loved her."

Yanenn paused. "Oh. Yeaaahhh... but maybe not all the time, because sometimes maybe they're jealous of her. So she's all alone and sad and only has the animals to talk to. And her hair is blue then. When she's sad." Another pause, then she perks up. "Oh! And she lives in a castle. A magical castle, full of magical people like her. And unicorns! In a forest, outside the castle, and sometimes they come up to her, and they talk to her, because she makes them happy. Yeah."

Yanenn nodded, a faraway look in her eyes. "That would be perfect."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

The old man stopped walking and gently guided Yanenn to a stop. He bent down to meet her eyes. "What if... I decided to let you do someone a favour. I'm going to go out there and find another little girl, and I'm going to give her all those things you just told me."

Yanenn's smile faded a little. "What about me?"

Her mentor chuckled. "Your turn would come in time, little one. But for now, if I found someone else and made her into a magical princess with a castle and unicorns and mood-hair, do you think she'll like that?"

The girl hesitated; then her sense of charity got the better of her, and she nodded firmly. "Yes," she said. Her face softened, the smile returning to her lips. "I'm sure she'll love that."

The old man patted her shoulder. "All right then. There's going to be one very lucky girl tonight."

"Yeah," Yanenn said, as they started walking again. She frowned. "Dem?" she asked.

"Yes?"

"I thought you said this was a lesson."

"Oh, it is," Dem said lightly. He grinned. "It is."

Chapter One: So It Begins

It was a dark and stormy night.

This was not a good time to be on the computer reading overly-long pottersues-featured badfics that drove one to sleep.

A loud clap of thunder shook the sky.

Ash jolted awake on her seat, her hand knocking a cup of coffee over onto the laptop's keys.

She swore as the laptop emanated an interesting fizzling sound. She panicked as the screen went blank. She reached violently for the fire extinguisher as the fizzling got louder and held its nozzle threateningly at the laptop, waiting for the sparks that never came; and it was then that Dem found her.

"Hello," he said.

Ash fell backwards and crashed into her bookshelf, sending a bunch of books flying painfully onto her feet. "Where did you come from?!" she yelled.

"Oh, another universe," Dem said casually. His eyes roved over the fire extinguisher in her hand. "Is that a fire extinguisher?" he asked.

"How did you get in here?" she yelled, pointing the nozzle threateningly in his direction.

"Same way I get anywhere else. Ashleigh Lily Lee, is it?"

"How did you know my name?"

"Look, you've really got to stop yelling so much. It's not very good for your health. It can result in high blood pressure and/or hypertension in certain individuals and-"

Ash extricated her left foot from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and strode towards Dem. "Get out," she said. "I don't know how you got in here, but I have a fire extinguisher and I'm not afraid to use it."

"As I was going to say," Dem continued, unperturbed, "I have a little gift for you. I've heard that you're a Harry Potter fan."

"I don't know who you think you are or-"

"How would you like to enter that world for a while?" he said with a generous smile that was a little bit off. "Be accepted as an exchange student at Hogwarts, do a little magic, mix around with those characters you love so much... Oh, and you won't even need to worry about your family missing you. Time is a malleable thing. No one will ever notice you're gone, and-"

Ash lowered the fire extinguisher just a bit, curiosity getting the best of her. "Who are you?"

"Me? I'm just a mysterious old man who could grant you that wish. Free of charge. You will have all your dreams come true."

"You know, I think I should start calling the cops-"

"You know you don't want to do that," Dem said calmly.

She hesitated. There was something about Dem's twinkling brown eyes that suggested something otherworldly; magical, almost, someone with the power to do just what he had said, reality be screwed, and perhaps, just perhaps...

"Who are you," she asked again.

"I told you. I'm a mysterious old man. My name is Dem, if you're really that curious."

"You're joking, right?"

"No, my name really is Dem."

"Not that. The Hogwarts thing. I mean-"

"Yes?"

Ash swallowed. She wanted this. She wanted this so much, ever since the first time she had cracked open her first Harry Potter novel and been introduced to the wonderful world that lay within; and then, when the novels ran out, there were the fan fiction stories she had searched out on the Internet, trying to escape further into that world, finding stories that fantasised about real people entering that universe from her own; being angered by the frequency of Mary Sues in those fics, sullying the good name of her fandom, turning the characters she loved so much into poor, unrecognisable parodies of their original selves; and the vow that she had made to herself that if ever she got the privilege – however impossible she knew it was – to enter the world of Harry and friends, she would do her best to blend into the crowd and let the story and the characters be who they truly were. No secret rendezvous with Draco in the Slytherin common room, no introducing Hogwarts to the horrors of Muggle emo music, no deleterious modifications to the Hogwarts school uniform, no saving the world, no inventing of revolutionary new spells, no creations of new speshul houses just for her to be in. But she had accepted that it would never happen. That was just the stuff of dreams. Of bad Mary Sue fics. It had no place in the real world-

The fire extinguisher vanished from her hands.

Ash gave a start. Wide-eyed, she looked up at Dem. "What... how..."

Dem held up the small cigarette-lighter contraption he was suddenly holding in his hand. "Fire extinguisher extinguisher," he explained. "I didn't feel safe with you waving that thing around. Ready to go?"

She just stared dumbly at the fire extinguisher extinguisher.

"I take your non-answer as compliance," Dem said brightly. "Right then; Hogwarts, here we come!"

With a brilliant smile, Dem flicked a button on the fire extinguisher extinguisher. The fire extinguisher appeared in his hands.

"Hey what-" Ash started, when Dem conked her over the head with it and everything went black.

#

Gentle morning sunlight shone in from a gap in the curtains and played softly on the face of the sleeping girl.

The bedroom door creaked open. She stirred.

Someone cleared his throat.

Ash opened an eye and saw a pillow. It was pink and lacy. She opened her other eye.

"Princess Ashleigh Lily Lee Moonshine Aurora Jennifer Elizabeth Aubergine Yvonne Anastasia Morel Riddle?" a voice asked in an impressive single breath.

Ash slowly turned her head towards the voice. It belonged to some blond guy who looked suspiciously like Tom Felton.

"My name is Draco Malfoy," he continued breathlessly. "And I, um, stalked you to your hotel 'cause I think you're really beautiful, and I heard that you're coming to Hogwarts tomorrow and I thought we should... get a little acquainted first..."

Ash sat up slowly in bed. Hair far longer and more purple than she had remembered it being landed in locks around her shoulders.

"...So, uh, yeah... I was wondering..." Draco said, randomly pulling off his shirt in a manly sort of way. "Are you up for some-" He winked sexily. "Pound pound thrust thrust?"

There was a mirror on the cupboard opposite her bed.

Staring out of it back at Ash was an unrecognisable human, the fairest in the land, dressed rebelliously in scanty Muggle clothing with suddenly-red hair...

"No," she said, remembering the conversation with Dem.

He'd been for real. She was going to Hogwarts. And he'd turned her into a freakin' Mary Sue.

"No," she gasped, and her melodic gasp was unwanted music to her ears. "No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Draco winced. "All right, all right, I get it," he said in a hurt voice, putting his shirt back on. "There's no need to shout."

Chapter Two: On to Hogwarts

A random dwarf poked his head into the room. "Are you all right, milady?" he asked. "I heard you screaming."

"No!" Ash yelled. "I'm not all right! I'm a Mary Sue, and my hair is pink, my... hair is pink..."

"I think it looks beautiful," Draco said in blissed-out worshipful awe.

"Get him out," Ash said, burying her head in her hands.

"As you wish," said the random dwarf, who proceeded to pick Draco up and cart him out of the room, the boy's gaze stuck wonderingly on Ash until he could see her no longer.

"Okay," Ash muttered into her hands. "Don't panic. Don't panic. This can be fixed. Yeah."

She raised her face to the ceiling. "DEM!" she hollered. "WHERE ARE YOU?"

The random dwarf poked his head into the room. "Are you all right, milady?" he asked. "I heard you swearing."

"AND IT SOUNDED BEAUTIFUL!" came Draco's lovestruck voice from somewhere on the floor where the random dwarf had dropped him.

Ash tried to ignore him as Draco broke out into a random love song involving unicorns and happy flowers. "Okay," she said to the random dwarf. "Uh, have you seen this old man, about this tall-"

"AND THE BIRDS WERE ALL SINGING SO HAPPILY-"

"-he calls himself Dem, and goes around in this cloak thing-"

"AND THE CLOUDS WERE ALL FLOATING SO MERRILY-"

"-and it's really very important that I find him."

"AND THE UNICORNS WERE PRETTY, BUT NOT AS PRETTY AS YOUUUUU-"

"I'm sorry, milady," the random dwarf said. "I have not met anyone who meets your description."

"-UUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

"All right then. Guess I'll have to find him myself."

"-UUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

"Your coach will be leaving for Hogwarts in half an hour. I'd advise you to start getting ready."

"Okay, sure, just leave me alone for a while, okay?"

"-UUUUUUUUUKKKK-K-GAK-gak-hhhhhh. urgh."

The random dwarf left, and Ash shut the door. Now to try and rectify the situation a little; analyse the damage, see what could be done...

She stood in front of the mirror. The impossibly beautiful not-her Mary Sue stared back and kind of creeped her out and made her feel slightly gay, which creeped her out even more and made her hair turn pinker.

"Paint," she said to try and break the tension. "A whole bucket of paint. Dunk my head in it. Then it'll stay one colour. Yeah."

The not-her voice was also creeping her out, so Ash stopped talking to herself and went to rummage in the luggage bag sitting by her bed in search of more respectable clothing that didn't have – as she had just discovered to her horror – 'HOT WITCH' flashing on the front in bright sparkly sequins.

Most of the other clothing were of similar taste, and she settled for pulling on a red T-shirt inside out to hide its wording (I'm too sexy for this shit.)

She happily discovered a pair of scissors. "Mood-hair, off you go," she muttered, and then wondered why she was still talking to herself. So she stopped talking to herself and started randomly cutting out chunks of coloured hair that turned blue and sad as they fell off her head.

She smiled at the result – possibly the worst haircut in the world, cheerily asymmetrical with her scalp visible in places – and how it made her look that little bit more normal and a little bit like a psychotic cancer patient. "Right, that's done," she said, chucking the scissors onto the bed and looking into the luggage for anything more that might help-

Long wavy locks landed on her shoulders. Ash froze.

Slowly, she stood up and looked into the mirror.

The mood hair was back. All of it. At its original length.

Ash stared numbly at her reflection. Her face fell.

"...This sucks," she said.

#

The people at Hogsmeade stopped in their tracks and gaped at her as the carriage rode down the streets.

Ash drew the curtains shut after a smitten teenage boy got trampled by the horses.

Ash freaked out as a smitten teenage girl Apparated into the carriage.

"Hi," the newcomer said, her voice slightly shaky. "I would go gay for you," she whispered.

"Get out of here," Ash muttered.

"Whatever you say, my love."

Ash jumped as a smitten teenage boy took the first girl's place.

"Hi," he said, his voice slightly shaky. "I would go straight for you," he whispered.

"WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE COME FROM?" Ash yelled.

At long last, they pulled through the Hogwarts school gates.

Eyes and whispers followed her as she got out of the carriage.

Eyes and whispers followed her as she entered the castle.

Eyes and whispers followed her as she tried to locate the toilet, because she really needed to go, and all the crowds were making it kind of hard.

A horde of lovestruck Hogwarts students met her as she finished doing what she had to and exited her toilet cubicle.

Eyes and whispers followed her as she washed her hands and tried to ignore them.

#

The Hogwarts Sorting Hat sat on a table and smiled at her as the students gathered. Soon, it cleared its throat and broke into song:

oh u may not think im pretty
but dont judge on wat u c
ill omnomnom if u can find
a smrter hat than me
u can keep ur magic helms
ur top hats sleek and tall
'cuz im the Hogwarts Sortin' Hat
and i can pwn them all.

u might blong in Slyteryn
if u like bein' bad
or might blong in Hufelpuf
if ur life is jus sad
Ravenclaw if u r smart, 'cuz Ravenclaws r smart
Grifindore if u r brave n strong n pure of <3.

so try me on n let me see
into ur soggy brain
and if u like, for a small fee
ill sing this song again. ^_^

The hall broke into applause. Several of the students, in a bid to emulate her, had worn their uniforms inside out.

Ash wanted a uniform.

Dumbledore beamed down at everyone. "What a nice song that was, don't u think?" he asked, with a gentle chuckle. "All right, I know you are all desperate to be Sorted, but first I would like to announce an important new student we have with us this year. You have probably noticed her by now – she is easily the most beautiful person in this room. And of course, that colour-changing hair hasn't gone unnoticed, not by me, at any rate."

Ash wished the floor would swallow her up. Perhaps if she begged, and kissed it...

"Please join me in welcoming Princess Ashleigh Lily Lee Moonshine Aurora Jennifer Elizabeth Aubergine Yvonne Anastasia Morel Riddle!" Dumbledore finished with a flourish and a wide smile, as the Hogwarts students broke out into frenzied applause and cheers. "Come on up here, darling, where everyone can see you," he said. "You shall be Sorted first. I am sure that no matter what House you end up in, you will be a great blessing to it."

Ash got down onto the floor and kissed it. "Open up and swallow me, please?" she begged in an undertone.

"What humility!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "But you really do not need to do that, Princess. Hogwarts is honoured by your presence. Come on up."

The floor was refusing to cooperate. Ash reluctantly left it and went up to Dumbledore and the Hat, trying not to look at anyone because it had a tendency to make them faint.

":)," said the Hat as she looked at it.

"omgyay! :D," said the Hat as she tentatively put it on.

"ilu <3," said the Hat as she waited.

"wow," said the Hat. "u're so smart and brave n strong n pure of <3, and u like bein' bad sometimes too, and ur life is so sad 'cuz ur parents all died when u were a kid. :'("

"..." said Ash.

"I dont kno where to put u," the Hat said sadly. "u're too perfect."

The school population nodded in sync.

"........." said Ash.

"! I kno! :D" said the Hat suddenly. "ill make a new House, jus for u!!!!"

"Oh no," thought Ash.

"okok how 'bout, uh, SparklyShinyPrincessHouse? :D" asked the Hat.

"I really don't-"

"Is 'k," said the Hat. "u're too modest. I hav decided tt its ur new house! SparklyShinyPrincessHouse! :D"

The students broke out into jubilant cheers.

Ash decided that this was the worst day of her life.

To Be Continued...

#